


worthless tears

by tobiology



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Background Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Minor Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Minor Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou, Miya Atsumu Needs a Hug, POV Miya Atsumu, Post-Time Skip, Sad Miya Atsumu, Self-Esteem Issues, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29490726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobiology/pseuds/tobiology
Summary: For as long as he could remember, Atsumu had wanted to be different.Miya Atsumu and the war that raged on within him for years.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 122





	worthless tears

**Author's Note:**

> cw. mentioned self-harm, mentioned/implied suicide attempt.

_different._

What did it mean to be _different?_ The word had a lot of meanings, if you went by the dictionary, 'not the same as another or each other' and 'separate' are common definitions of the word.

It was a commonly used word, thrown around in daily conversations like it was nothing (maybe to _others_ it was nothing), but to Atsumu, the word held a weight in his heart.

For as long as he could remember, Atsumu had wanted to be different. He had so desperately wanted to be different, to be treated as his own person, to be seen as a unique individual, to be seen as just Miya Atsumu. But no one remembered him without his brother.

He didn't hate Osamu, no, contrary to popular belief, he held his brother to the highest regard in his heart, there was no one more important to him than Osamu (he didn't know if his brother still felt the same way).

But still, Atsumu's need to be different had somehow outweighed his love for his brother. His ~~selfish~~ needs had pushed them apart. The once inseparable now barely saw each other in months.

Atsumu couldn't remember the last time he spent time with Osamu that wasn't a family event, he couldn't remember the last time he bickered with him, or the last time they played together, it had been _so long_ that the memories had faded away (or maybe he'd pushed them away). 

He can't remember the love or happiness, but the painful and hurtful memories still stung him deeply.

He remembered the first time the feeling had bubbled in his heart. It had been the day the two had gone to get their haired, they'd been bickering for months on what colour to get (it had to be the same colour; they were twins after all it was what was expected of them). They walked inside with hopeful eyes, staring with wide grins at the colour of dye they had selected sitting in front of them.

But then Atsumu had seen the yellow dye, bright, pretty and _different._ Different from what Osamu was getting, marked him out as his own person and lit the fire inside that had been sparking for years.

Even now, when Osamu was just a few steps away, Atsumu didn't have the courage to see him. Tears welled up in his eyes, as they stared down at the cars passing by on the road, or at happy couples laughing together.

As adults, things were different (that seemed to be the reoccurring word here). Osamu had gone and followed his dreams and made a name for himself in the food industry while Atsumu had pushed further into the volleyball world and made a place for himself there.

With both of them successful and following their dreams, neither had the time to see one another. What was only a small crack when they were first years, was now a huge canyon separating the brothers.

Atsumu found out through _Bokuto_ that his brother was dating someone. His teammate knew more about his own twin brother than he did, and that left a gaping whole in his heart.

He remembers that day really clearly.

 _"Hey_ _Bokkun! Are 'ya sure ya don't wanna come with us?" Atsumu yelled out to owl-haired spiker as they got dressed in the locker rooms. "Nah don't worry about it 'tsum-tsum, me and Keiji are going on a double date with that friend of his.."_

_Intrigued, Atsumu turned to look at Bokuto with his eyebrows raised, "Oh?" Bokuto chuckled softly as he moved to leave the locker room. "Your brother actually, Miya Osamu right?"_

_He was so stunned he didnt even realize Bokuto had left until Kiyoomi bumped into him, knocking him out of his shock. "What.."_

That night he'd been close, so close to calling his brother, demanding answers out of him. Wanting know _why_ his _teammate_ knew about his brothers relationship before him. 

That was the night where he realized how low their relationship had really sunk. He remembers the time before it all happened, he remembers the day when Osamu had walked in on him in the bathroom with razors in hand and bloody arms, yelling at Atsumu for being foolish.

He remembers that day by the bridge when Osamu had hunted him down and hugged him, crying softly and begging his brother not to go.

He remembers Osamu screaming and fighting his parents, fighting _for him_.

He'd been foolish to give that all away.

He didn't even know what he was doing here.

All he remembers is getting in a taxi and asking to come here; to a building just a few spaces away from his brothers house. It had been late and he wasn't thinking, being separated from someone he'd been joint to from birth had left a huge hole in his life, one he hadn't noticed until it was too late. 

He remembers all the times that Osamu was there for him, but the memories of the times he _wasn't_ there for Osamu stung deeper. 

When they were 15 and Atsumu was having a panic attack, anxiety seeping through his skin when he was about to come out to their parents, how Osamu had hugged him silently and held his hand like they used to when the were little kids and guided his brother through one of the hardest things in their life.

Osamu had always taken the big brother role between them. Always guiding Atsumu, caring for him. Osamu was his brother, his one true friend in the world and he'd pushed it away.

Part of him thinks he wasn't wrong. That part constantly rings, whispering things like 'It was for the best' or 'Look how much you've grown without him'.

The ringing of his phone pulls him out of his trance, the warm voice of his lover flowing out the phone as he picks it up. "Atsu' where are you? It's been _hours_ " Kiyoomi says, concern embedded into his words. 

"Don't you worry about me omi, i-i'm fine." He tries to stop the crack in his mask before it shows too much, but he isnt fast enough. Kiyoomi's worried tone pierces through the phone speaker.

Atsumu knows that any denial now is pointless. He knows Kiyoomi won't stop tell Atsumu tell's him what's wrong. "No you're not _fine_ , Atsu'. What's wrong?"

And so Atsumu talks, he talks and talks until his throat is dry and his face is tear-stained and flushed red. 

"I miss him 'omi. He's my _brother_ and i fuckin' pushed him away." Atsumu pauses, trying to collect his words. "I miss my brother so fuckin' much 'omi a-and I don't know what to do! I barely even _know_ him anymore and I hate it. I just- I just want my big brother back."

Atsumu sinks to the floor, back resting against the concrete wall. "It's my fault y'know. Me an' my stupid fuckin' ego couldn't just shut the fuck up. I jus' had t'go and try and be _special_." His face soured as he put on a mocking face. "Well great goin' 'tsumu! 'yer special now but y'lost your brother! you happy?' god I was a fuckin' idiot."

"D'ya know it's been three _years_ since me and 'samu hung out? I haven't seen him outside of family events. I haven't seen my own _twin_ in years. I see fuckin' _Kageyama Tobio_ more often than I see my own flesh and blood."

Atsumu is ever so grateful for Kiyoomi in moments like these. Kiyoomi always knows best what to say, he always has.

He hears Kiyoomi sigh softly through the phone. "Atsu.. It's okay Atsu, everyone messes up sometimes. You just need to be ready to pick yourself up. He's your brother. He is _always_ going to be your brother, nothing can change that. What's stopping you from fixing it? What's stopping you from calling him right now and talking. You have his number right?"

Atsumu ponders, wondering if he even has his brothers number. "Uhh- I- I don't think so, god I dont even have his _number_." He sucks in a harsh breath. "D'ya 'samu bought me my first phone? He saved up for it for months so that I could have a phone while I was at camp."

"Atsu, just- just talk to him. I promise he won't say no." Kiyoomi says finally, allowing Atsumu to regal with stories of him and his brother. 

What felt like hours turned out to only be a few long minutes. "Omi I- I just, I need some time to think. I'll see you soon, I'm sorry." He hates himself for upsetting yet _another_ person close to him for his selfish needs. 

"It's okay Atsu, stay safe okay? I love you, goodnight."

"Love you, 'night."

Atsumu falls privy to his thoughts once again. Allowing himself to be pulled down memory lane and live through the happy moments once again. Those moments he took for granted, not realizing how special they were till they were gone.

He doubts Osamu even wants to meet him anymore, why would he? Who would want to meet their asshole brother that pushed them away for fame. He certainly wouldn't, but, he guesses, that's just what made Osamu ten times better than him.

He doesn't even realize that he's gotten up and is now standing dangerously close to edge of the roof.

He can faintly hear someone screaming his name, but the blood rushing in his ears makes it far too hard for him to hear the other person. The voice gets louder and louder 'till it's coming from right behind him. 

When he turns to face the source he cries. He cries loud and deep, because his brother is here. _Of course_ he is. When was Osamu _not_ there for him? His brother is pulling him away from the edge and all Atsumu can think about is the panic building up inside him from facing his brother after so long.

"You IDIOT! What the _fuck_ were ya' thinkin'?" Osamu screams, he has tears staining his face and he looks at Atsumu with concern pooling in his eyes. "I-I wasn't-"

Osamu cuts him off, hugging his brother close. "Don't- Don't even try that asshole. I- I know we haven't talked in a while but I 'aint ready to lose ya' so early."

Atsumu just lets himself bask in his brothers warmth, he doesn't know why he ever pushed him away. He sobs loud and clear for anyone to hear but in those moments he couldn't care less because he has _his big brother_ back. 

And maybe, just maybe, everything will be fine.

Later when they get back to Osamu's apartment, drenched in sweat from running back there. Atsumu asks Osamu how he found him.

"Sakusa, he called komori and then komori called 'rin and rin told me. Said your uber dropped you off somewhere near my place and then I remembered the roof above the ramen place we'd go to during all the tournaments and I saw you from there."

Atsumu hums, his heart swelling at the length Kiyoomi went to for him. "He's good for 'ya, y'now? I'm glad."

He smiles at his brother. "Sunarin's good for 'ya too. 'M glad you found 'yer own person."

**Author's Note:**

> hello hi this is very self-indulgent & i've basically projected onto Atsumu. I started this way back in december and it's taken a while for me to end this and it's shorter than my usual works but i'm really proud of this one.
> 
> please leave a kudos and comment!!


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